


Until we learn to live again

by LeRien



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-19 06:36:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4736180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeRien/pseuds/LeRien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We’re all a little bit wacky, a little bit broken. It doesn’t matter. We need each other. We go through this together. We’ll make it.”<br/>Six months after their horrific summer, Mike, Sam, Emily, Jess, Matt, Ashley and Chris have to learn to fit in their old, ordinary life. But can they? Must they "forgive and forget"? How will each of them learn to deal with their burden?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mike

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I discovered this game part thanks to a French Youtuber (I'm French, so if you are too : hello ! i like you !) and part thanks to Pewdiepie. I played it at a friend's and it was awesome and before I knew, I was shipping hard. I looked for fanfictions about them and *dramatic pause* NOTHING. (we're talking about real issues here)  
> So this is my personal interpretation of what would have happened after summer. Each chapter will be about one character and how they coped. I begin with Mike just because (I don't particularly like him but can't deny he got style). Loads of fluff is to be expected, I'm weak like that.  
> Anyway, enjoy and feed back if you please, it keeps me going!  
> (Sorry for the mistakes, I did my best, promise, I just suck a lot at languages - same as every single French students, really).  
> EDIT : I corrected the first chapter, thanks again, BnanaPowet !!

**Mike**

Everything was so blurry. His head was pounding, his breath was terrible and he basically felt as if a truck had passed all over his body, breaking every single bone in the process.

With some effort, Mike opened an eye. Next to him, lying on the same bed, a breathing body sighed and rolled away from him. Almost automatically, Mike got up silently, dressed and stepped out of the tiny apartment, his shoes in one hand. It was routine now, and he didn’t bother to keep count of his one-night-stands anymore.

 _What would Em’ think,_ he wondered at the front door, getting in his sneakers, _if she could see him now?_

As the question struck him, he actually laughed, out loud. It didn’t matter, the campus usually looked deserted until ten, and it was barely six. Dawn hadn’t even risen yet.

Mike shivered. He still didn’t feel comfortable when the sun wasn’t reassuringly shining in the sky. He avoided mentioning it, even to his therapist, but two months had passed since what the newspapers called “The Blackwoods’ case” and he was already dreading winter and its long night.

He walked to his student residence, hoping the girl he left wouldn’t remember him when she woke up.

 _Yeah, Em,_ he thought. _That’s what the Great Mike has become. That’s my life._

He imagined her derisive snort and smiled.

He missed her. He could admit it now. Not that it was going to change anything. Even after their break-up, he had always been pretty close to Emily. She had been a friend. His only real friend, perhaps. He had had buddies, bros, plenty of. But friends? She was the one and only. They understood things the same way. Em’s intelligence had always impressed him and the fact that she used to consider him as her equal in this domain was flattering.

Of course, it had all gone out the window the second he had pointed the gun right in front of her nose. Emily was a lot of things, but she wasn’t forgiving. She didn’t talk to him after that, didn’t even acknowledge his existence. She didn’t even inform him she was leaving the States.

Mike clenched his teeth. No, he wasn’t going to think about that.

He shook his head and stared right straight ahead. Of course, at that exact moment, Sam came into view. And where Ash would have feigned not to see him and Chris would have made an awkward salute gesture before turning around, Sam smiled and went right at him. As she came closer, she frowned.

“Wow, Mike. You look horrible.”

He felt horrible. And tired, and hungover, and shit. But he managed a weak smile.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Sam.”

She snorted, brushing away his pathetic flirting. Typical.

“Are you alright? Seriously, you look tired.” She insisted instead.

Mike grimaced.

“I’m fine. Really.”

“We should hang out some time.”

“… Yeah. Maybe.”

“How’s life?”

“It’s…” Mike hesitated. Honesty wasn’t exactly his most striking trait. But he was _so_ tired to lie and pretend. “It’s a mess, actually.”

“You and me both.” Snickered Sam, lightly punching him in the shoulder. She regained her seriousness. “But it’s life, right? We have to go on. Even after… shit and mess and stuff. Can’t afford to crawl around in self-pity, you know?”

“… Yeah. You’re… you’re right. Of course, you’re right.”

“Anyway, have to go, you know how it is. See ya!”

***

It was as if he had been waiting for this to happen, all this time. As if all he'd needed was this little push in the right direction. For the first time in weeks, he confronted his problems and tried to find solutions. He thought of the few past months.

To be fair, at first, he had coped pretty well. He was back with Jess and, granted, it wasn’t as it used to be, but it was okay. They were okay.

Contrary to most people’s belief, it had been Jess who put a stop to it.

“It’s just… It’s weird, you know?” she had said, chewing her perfect lips and toying with a lock of her gorgeous hair. “Being… like that. Like nothing happened.”

It still hurt to remember it. He may not have loved Jess, but he had cared for her. He had understood though. That’s why he hadn’t insisted.

The month which had followed had been something of a blur. Of course, he remembered things. He remembered the booze, the laughs, the girls. He remembered the regrets, the hangovers, the fights. He just couldn’t figure the order of all of them.

Now and then, he decided, all of it – the debauchery, this dissolute life, the carelessness - was over.

And he kept to his words.

First of all, he dropped out of uni. He hadn’t been learning anything or attending courses for a long time, and didn’t feel like starting to. He wanted to do something worthwhile, and somehow, he didn’t feel the law studies his parents forced him into were it.

“I want time to think” he evasively answered when his relatives and friends asked about it.

Meanwhile, he began helping at a local charity, which was taking care of the homeless and the poor of the neighbourhood. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a distraction.

At least, that was at first. But the more time passed, the more he realised he _liked_ helping and feeling needed, depended on by others. He liked putting effort into something and seeing the genuine gratitude that ensued.

It didn’t mean all his problems had disappeared. He still didn’t do well with alcohol, for example. He had learnt to refuse even the most “harmless drink”. It reminded him too vividly of the forgetful bliss of intoxication. It was too tempting. He chose to stick to cigarettes.

But all in all, he was in a good place. People trusted him with what he did, and that represented more to him than he could say. Lizzie, particularly, the kind Lizzie who was so obviously crushing on him, always referred to him when a big decision had to be made.

Mike smiled at the thought. Lizzie was nice. She had big baby-blue eyes, she was nice, neat and trusting. In some ways, she reminded him of Hannah. He was constantly afraid of breaking her, like a porcelain doll. That was why he pretended to remain oblivious to her naïve attempts at flirting. He couldn’t be with her. Not in that way. He couldn’t do that to her. He didn’t deserve it. And he would be too afraid to lose her.

That what he repeated himself when he saw her big eyes filling in tears after his blunt “no”. He tried to keep a cool façade but he felt as if he was crumbling inside.

“Why?” she'd whispered.

Why did people always ask “why” ? Couldn’t they just take the answer and move on before hurting themselves more ?

“I… I don’t think it’s a good idea. I… I’m not good enough, Lizzie…”

“Yes! Yes, you are! Is it about me ? I can change! I can… be strong and confident and…”

“I said _no._ ”

He had almost yelled that one. Lizzie had kept quiet for a second, probably too chocked to pipe a sound, before casting her head down and leaving. Mike had not waited to follow her lead.

***

He hadn’t planned it. He swore. But the bar had been so close. So… _alluring._ He had asked for a beer, then another one, then a gin and tonic, then he had honestly not cared anymore. He had just rolled with it.

His head felt bubbly and light and _fuck, he had missed it so much._ “Risk of alcohol-addiction” had noted his therapist. “History in the family.”

He'd drank and drank and drank. He'd drank to drown the worries, and the loneliness, and the guilt, _oh my god, the guilt._

He didn’t remember when he had been kicked out of the bar or when he had begun to cry. But he was crying under the stars now, like the stupid cliché he was, and a pair of comforting eyes surrounded by familiar freckles were watching over him.

“I’m here, Mike.” The eyes said. “You’re safe.”

“I’m sorry, so sorry…” Mike stammered.

“I know.” The eyes interrupted him “I know.”

***

When he woke up, he felt like he was back a month ago. He was lying in a stranger’s bed, with a massive headache, and not enough clothing for his liking. Yeah, it definitely felt like a month ago.

“Nice to see you awake, Sleeping Beauty.”

Well, except that a month ago, there hadn’t been a grinning Sam at his bedside when he woke up.

“Do you need an apple to be all up and pretty?”

“Isn’t that Snow White?” grunted Mike.

“Hu… maybe.”

“And the apple made her sleep, not the contrary.”

Sam looked dumbfounded. “Right.”

Mike stared at her in disbelief. “Girl, what did your childhood look like?”

“A sane one?”

Mike sighed in fake indignation. Fooling around was good, it meant pretending everything was normal and it gave him time to assess the situation.

“Learn your classics, girl.”

“Whatever. Do you want something? Coffee? Chocolate? I must have some bread somewhere…”

Mike pulled a face. He really couldn’t face the thought of food at the moment, his stomach wouldn’t allow it.

“Coffee would be nice, thanks.”

Sam went to the kitchen corner without any more question, for which Mike was grateful.

***

Sam’s coffee was a bit too bitter for his liking, but it was decent. While drinking, Mike let his eyes wander around the little room. As opposed to his own apartment, which was cold and impersonal – he didn't really bother with decoration, with him being mostly outside and not really coping well with being on his own  – Sam’s room was crowded by books and stuff. Large posters covered the walls, plush toys almost overflowed the bed and various utensiles were piled up on the table. The result was cosy, and most of all, it felt lively and healthy.

Sam caught him looking. “It’s not much but… it's home.” She shrugged.

“I like it.” Her guest simply answered.

They kept on sipping their hot drinks until Sam broke the silence.

“You’re lucky I found you, you know. You really didn’t look great.”

Mike’s shoulders stiffened as he waited for the request of explanations or, worse, the judgement, but it never came. He watched her over his mug. Sam merely looked absent-minded.

“Why did you help me?”

“We all have our weak moments.” As she said these words, she seemed to curl up a bit, as if protecting herself for something. _Memories,_ Mikeguessed.

A wave of warmth spread through him as it occurred to him that, for the first time, somebody truly understood him. He didn’t know what haunted Sam, but it didn’t take a genius to guess their nightmares were pretty similar.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

She kept silent for so long he wondered if she'd heard him.

“You’re welcome, big guy.”

She smiled, and for the first time, Mike noticed her smile, if honest, looked maybe a bit too strained.

***

He stayed at Sam’s all day. He didn’t exactly plan it, but he wasn’t eager to go back to his soulless flat and he didn’t want to confront Lizzie at the charity. Sam didn’t seem to mind, anyway.

Partly to justify his presence, partly because after a whole morning without eating, he was getting hungry, he started to prepare lunch. Despite Sam’s protest, he got up from the bed and went through the cupboards. Surprisingly, they were mostly empty.

“Were you planning to go shopping today?”

“Yeah, you can say that…” she answered, somewhat defensively.

Mike costudied her with piercing eyes. Looking closely, she seemed thinner than before. She wasn’t skinny, not yet, but it was definitely going that way. He idly wondered when the last time was that she'd gotten a decent meal, and pondered a second about her “weak moments” before suddenly snapping to a decision.

“That’s it. We’re eating out. I’m taking you to a restaurant.”

“What? But, you don’t have to…”

“I _want_ to. And you were the one who said we should ‘hang out some day’, quote, unquote. So, suck it up.”

Not waiting for her, he took his jacket and went to the door, before turning at the last moment and quirking an questionning eyebrow at her.

Sam ruefully smiled, picked up a sweater and followed him without any other objection.

***

All in all, Mike didn’t regret his decision. Sam was eating with gusto, which, he found to be a comforting sight.

Neither he nor she addressed any of the obvious issues. They were chatting about studies, jobs, the future, their friends. They never mentioned Blackwoods’ lodge, not even once. Sam quickly talked about Emily before swapping subjects, seeing Mike’s face.

For the first time  in forever, Mike felt relaxed. Sam had seen him at his worst, literally, so there wasn’t much left to hide from her. She understood his problems, and he felt that, in a way, she kept an eye on him. It was touching. Nobody had cared for him in such a way since he had been fifteen.

He didn’t wait to return the favour.

The next day, he was back at Sam’s door, with a bag full of food and a big grin on his face.

“Special order for a special someone.” He pompously announced.

“Shut up, idiot.” Laughed Sam. But she was pleased, he could see it at the sparkle in her eyes. The sparkle remained as he began to cook something for them both and subsided as he left after lunch for the charity.

“I’ll be back tomorrow”. He promised.

And he was.

From that day, he came every day, without fault, to have lunch with the young woman.

Sometimes, he brought take-away. Sometimes, he had groceries. Sometimes, he didn’t bring anything but just came to cook what he had left last time.

After a while, Sam invited him to stay over in the evenings, and he spent more and more time at her tiny flat.

When Jack, another volunteer, noticed the new spring in his walk, he simply chuckled.

“Wow, man, that girl sure is a keeper.”

“What do you mean?” Mike asked, startled.

“I’ve never seen you so happy.” He beamed at him. “You deserve it.”

***

So, maybe, in a weird, dysfunctional way, he was a bit in love with Sam. But that was no big deal, right? It wasn’t as if she needed to know. Or as if he stood a chance. He could keep it to himself. Yeah. Totally. Just like he thought, no big deal.

***

He didn’t know how it had happened. He _swore_ , he hadn't seen it coming. But he was kissing Sam. And she was kissing him. And his chest hurt so much he thought he was going to die.

He was lying on her stupid bed, with the silly pink cover he made fun of all the time, and she was on top of him, kissing, and breathing, and _fuck, she was everywhere_ and how was he supposed to survive to this ?

She let out a breathy laugh and his heart stopped.

“Mike.” She whispered.

It was his name. In this moment, nothing was more important to him than his name, uttered by her lips.

“Mike.”

He had never felt that way. Not with Emily. Not with Jess.

_“Mike.”_

He closed his eyes. _Sam._

***

He honestly didn’t know what to do. Sam was sleeping peacefully next to him and they were both naked and he _didn’t know what to do._ He had never been in this situation.

Either there had been alcohol involved, and he wasn’t sober enough to gauge correctly the situation, or it had been with the girlfriend of the moment and there were codes and rules for that.

But _this._ He didn’t know how to react to _this_.

Oh, it had been wonderful. He hadn’t doubted for a moment that it would be. He had fantasized of this more than he cared to say. But now? What were they? What were they supposed to do? Was it a one-time occurrence or…?

Sam opened sleepy eyes and interrupted his thoughts by planting a sloppy kiss on his nose.

“Y’think too much.” She whispered.

***

Turned out it wasn’t a one-time occurrence. Which, you know, had its perks.

“Stop checking out my ass.” Scolded Sam while stirring the content of her casserole.

Shit. He hadn’t thought she would notice.

“I was being _discreet._ ” He argued.

She rolled her eyes. “Right.”

He smiled and kept on watching her. She still didn’t cook a lot, and there were days when she wasn’t feeling strong enough to leave the bed, but she was doing .  Sighing, he lowered his eyes on the form he was filling out.

“How is your future fireman career going?” Sam asked suddenly, popping her head on his shoulder.

“Surprisingly fine.” He chortled. “In one or two years, I will totally be able to Superman-save the city when you will be all Loïs Lane over your fancy journalist’s desk.”

“Don’t be sore I’m the most educated of us.”

“Don’t be sore I have more pop culture than you.”

Sam just shook her head and hugged him from behind.

“I love you, you jerk.”

“Why?”

The interrogation hadn’t been intentional and it was maybe a tad anti-climactic. But he had wondered so much about it, it couldn’t stay locked in his head, his stupid mouth had to give him away.

Sam frowned.

“Why?” she repeated doubtfully.

“I mean : why me?” Mike turned around to face her. She, this strong, amazing woman, was his. And he was hers. “You _know_ how imperfect I am. You _know_ what I… what I’ve done. You must know… You must know you deserve so much better. I…”

“You’re who I want.” She cut him. “You’re who I love.” She took his head in her hands. “So you have an alcoholic tendency. So some day, I can’t cook to save my life. So your choices still haunt you. So I’m still having symptoms depressionafter my best friend and former crush died showing me how psycho he was.” She drilled her eyes in his. “We’re both a little bit wacky, a little bit broken. It doesn’t matter. We need each other. We go through this together. We’ll make it.”

Confusedly, his cheeks wet with tears, Mike remembered a time when he had considered “unmanly” to cry.

“I love you too, Sam.”


	2. Jess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is I again ! Sorry for the delay, I have a crappy Internet connection at the moment, if I'm lucky, this problem will be solved before october.  
> I have an amazing beta now (hello, BnanaPowet), so there should be fewer mistakes. I'll correct the first chapter on the first chance! Thank you lot for the feed-back, I'm glad you enjoy it :) I'll answer when I can go on the Internet again.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Jess**

“Big meeting at Marty’s on Friday a 5 pm. Might be great. You don’t have to, tho’. But. Hey. –Sam”

Jess read the text in silenceas if trying to decipher a deeper meaning in Sam’s words. She put her phone away when Matt came in the room.

“You received it too?”

She just shrugged and automatically snuggled against him when he sat down on the sofa next to her.

“You’ll go?”

“I don’t know.” She muttered. “We don’t _have_ to.”

***

All her life, Jess had only ever done what she had been told. _Be pretty. Agree with me. Be pretty. Put on some make-up. Be pretty. Play dumb. Trust me. Be pretty, be pretty, be pretty._

She had always obeyed. It was the obvious choice, and sometimes, she wondered why anybody would do otherwise. But she never had had time enough to dig in to the issue. Obeying wasn’t exactly _simple._ She had to _work_ for it. Perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect attitude, it wasn’t easy to achieve all of this. But it was worth it. People loved you when you obeyed them. And love counted for something, right?

It didn’t matter that somehow, love wasn’t ever explicitly mentioned. It didn’t matter that some of them laughed at her behind her back. It didn’t matter that they called her dumb, narrow-minded or superficial. They were just jealous and lazy.

So Jess had obeyed. It wasn’t as if injunctions were rare, anyway. They were _everywhere_ , from the teachers, her parents, her friends, society, who cared? Not Jess. She obeyed to be loved.

That was what had happened with Mike. Mike had been so nice. Always. She had really wanted to be loved by him. He had never called her stupid like the others. She seemed to amuse him, but in a good way. So she had complied with whatever she thought he wanted. _Be beautiful. Make everyone else jealous. Particularly Emily._

It hadn’t really bothered her. She was used to it.

And the more the time had passed, the more she had realised Mike was too. _Be the perfect couple._

***

But at the crucial moment, Mike hadn’t been there. He may have wanted to, have gone after her, but he _hadn’t been there_ , down in the mines, with her. He hadn’t been there to tell her what to do.

She had lived. Of course, she had, that’s what he wanted, _right_? Why would he have gone after her otherwise? But when they had finally been reunited, something had been off. His eyes weren’t exactly the same. He didn’t want anything from her anymore, but he didn’t love her either, she could feel it. He was… grateful. Immensely grateful.

Jess didn’t know what to do with gratitude. She wanted to be loved and for the first time of her life, she couldn’t see how. So she basically ran off. He didn’t try to go after her. That settled it.

For a long time, she hadn’t known what to do. She wasn’t living anymore, she was barely functioning. _Get up, be pretty, smile pleasantly, eat, sleep, hit repeat._ People were avoiding her. She saw it, and she didn’t know how to stop it. She didn’t pause to think about it. It was too depressing _. Get up, be pretty, smile pleasantly, eat, sleep, hit repeat._

***

She didn’t exactly remember why she had found herself facing Matt’s front door.

Maybe it was because he had helped her in the mines. _Run, hide, don’t move._ She had deleted the memories, but now, they flooded with a revenge. He had helped her. He had given her the instructions to achieve her goal: staying alive. She had not thought much of it at the time – being chased by crazy cannibals does that to you -, but he might have been the first person to ever help her. People usually tended to ignore, criticize or admire her.

She stared blankly at the door for a long time. She didn’t realise exactly how long but she was put out of her strange trance by young voices behind her back. She tensed and, for one second, panicked. She had nothing to do here. She didn’t want to be seen here. She had to walk away. _Now._

Unfortunately, her train of thoughts felt slow and cranky when the dynamic voices were quickly approaching. Before she even started to move, two black teens, a girl and a boy, both holding an uncanny resemblance with Matt, had reached the doorstep, looking at her oddly. The boy opened the door without a word and beckoned at her to enter while the girl let out a piercing shriek: “Matt! One of your girlfriend’s here!”

A thumping sound on the stairs was heard as Jess hesitantly stepped in the house, soon accompanied by Matt’s familiar voice.

“Who do you mean, midget, you know full well…”

His pace of words slowed down as he came into view. He seemed rather taken aback by the blond girl’s presence but managed to hide it rapidly.

“Jess! Wow. What are you doing here? Uh no, that came out wrong, I mean, hey, are you alright? It’s been forever since…”

Jess cut him mid-sentence. “Yes, I know, I just…”

And right there, to her own horror, she began to cry stupidly.

Matt didn’t lose time.

“Off you go” he said to those who Jess had guessed were his siblings with an air of finality.

They didn’t need telling twice. They disappeared like a pair of rabbits in the stairs while Matt navigated his friend toward the big worn-out sofa in the living room.

He dutifully stayed by Jess’s side as she cried. Jess, on the other hand, felt a bit put-off. Here she was, weeping like an idiot on Matt’s shoulder, like some TV show failure, the loser who lost her boyfriend. She didn’t want to be that girl. She wanted to be the heroine, the kind-hearted ingénue everyone loved.

 _At least_ , she thought, _Matt was handsome._ She hoped he wasn’t too grossed-out by her sure-to-be hideous present state. She was superficial enough to care for her appearance at this moment.

“Jess” he asked softly when she seemed quite done “why are you here?”

She didn’t know herself. Except she couldn’t tell him that, could she?

“Mike broke up with me.” She answered at last, and she kind of wanted to sob again at this thought.

“What?! But, I thought, I mean, I saw you the other day from afar and he looked happy…”

“Well, _I_ did the break-up.” Jess shakily admitted.

Matt paused for a moment after that.

“Why?” he quietly enquired.

“It didn’t feel right.” She hadn’t intended to tell the truth but it felt good to finally said it. “He didn’t love me anymore. Maybe he never has. But I didn’t see that before, or I hadn't wanted to see it… And it didn’t matter before, but it _does_ now. I don’t… I don’t want, you know, _Josh_ , all over again, pretending everything’s fine when, really, I’m just going crazy…”

“Wow, slow down, slow down.” Matt hugged her, and it wasn’t flirty or anything, but soothing instead. “You’re not crazy. You’re not Josh. Relationships don’t work out, sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“But how do you know?” she savagely challenged. “How do you know I’m not crazy? People always say that I’m superficial, that I have no depth. Josh was like that too, remember? Always joking, flirting all over the place, always hiding. I _feel_ like hiding, and I don’t even know what! I’m lost, all the time, and nobody would tell me what to do about it! They won’t tell me what to do, and they won’t let me do what I want, and fuck, I don’t even _know_ what I want, or _who I am_. And I kind of think I never have.”

She swallowed hard to avoid the new tears in her eyes to flow again. Once was enough. Matt continued to hug her tightly and didn’t answer. It was nice. She closed her eyes.

***

She hadn’t realised when she had fallen asleep. But she was definitely awake now. Laying on the couch with a worn plaid on her, she could hear Matt and her sister debating in the kitchen.

“Why don’t you take her in your bedroom like the others?”

“You’re too noisy, Karen, and what d’you mean, _the others_?”

“The other girls! Well, I supposed you haven’t seen them for quite a while now… Is she the _one_? Is it why you act so gentlemanly?”

“Ooooh” a much more high-pitched voice interrupted. “Should we tell Mum then?”

“Don’t be silly, there’s nothing like _the one_ , you should stop listening to Gran’s tales, Karen… and don’t encourage your sister!”

“But you act polite and…”

“I’m always acting polite!”

The outrage in Matt’s voice was so obvious, Jess couldn’t help but giggle a bit. Everyone stilled in the kitchen, and after a quick ushered argument, Matt awkwardly stepped out, a hand in his hair.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“That’s okay. I’ll get out of your hair now, anyway.” She answered, straightening up and smoothing her clothes.

Was it her imagination or did she really see a flicker of disappointment in Matt’s eyes?

“But can I come back?” she urged to ask. “One day? Tomorrow? If it doesn’t bother you?”

“Not at all!” Matt almost shouted, looking relieved for some reason. “But you’ll have to put up with the little demons.” He made a gesture towards the kitchen with an apparent look of distaste, but Jess could hear the fondness in his voice. “Unless you want to meet somewhere else?...”

“No!” Somehow, the idea of a meeting outside was terrifying. What if the sense of security disappeared then? “No. I like it here.” And she did. So that wasn’t really a lie.

“Cool” Matt smiled. “See you tomorrow then!”

***

It was sheer madness to come back. The last day had been an impulse, but she should have deleted the memory and stayed at home. And yet, here she was, back to the awkwardly-staring-at-Matt’s-front-door thing. She finally gathered the nerve to knock and the door opened before she could regret.

It wasn’t Matt. It was Karen and she looked exited.

“Come in, quickly! It’s movie evening!”

Turned out that once a week, Matt stayed late at trainings and allowed his younger siblings to watch a movie in compensation.

“He always feels bad when he can’t be with us.” Said Karen with a deep air of conspiracy– which was kind of hilarious. “So we don’t tell him we actually prefer it that way. And he should have more spare time for himself! He doesn’t really go out since…” She cut herself but stupid or not, Jess understood very well what she had meant. “So we settled on X-Men.”

***

When Matt came back, Jess was deeply involved in the movie, her legs pulled together under her chin, the plaid over her and Matt’s sisters – Karen and Cynthia – taking regular  handfuls of popcorn, rivaling Brad, Matt’s brother. She didn’t remember how captivating the movie was, but to be fair, the first time she had seen it was at the local cinema, the cheap one with hard seats and her date had been a jerk, so she had been particularly irritated.

She almost jumped in surprise when she noticed him and tried to regain a more attractive posture.

“Oh, don’t mind me.” He grinned.

A wave of “shhhhh!” welcomed his intervention and he stepped back into silence, his eyes laughing.

Somehow, the movie suddenly seemed a lot less interesting to Jess.

***

“I’m sorry.” was the first thing Matt said when the movie ended. “I should have warned you about my training. I didn’t think.”

“Don’t worry. I had fun.” More fun than she had had for a long time, too. But it sounded a bit sad to admit that watching a movie with teenagers was the most exciting thing she had done in months. “We can do something else next time.”

“It’s okay. Don’t go out of your way for me.”

 _Matt’s smile is blinding_ ,  was the thought that crossed Jess’s mind.

***

She came everyday. At five, as punctual as the clock, she was there. She felt accepted. She felt right. She began to smile again.

One morning, not unlike any other morning, Matt called her. He sounded strained.

“Don’t come today, Cynthia’s poorly and Brad’s worse. I think it’s the flu.”

“I don’t mind, I can come and help…”

“You really shouldn’t, it might be contagious.”

Matt’s tone was uninviting at the very least. Jess was a bit hurt, but didn’t say anything about it.

“You’re alone with two sick children, I _do_ think you need assistance…”

“Fine!” he snapped before hanging up.

She hesitated all day, but in the end, she decided it would be more sensible to go. And she _did_ care about the two kids. If she could be useful for once, and help them the same way they had been helping her these weeks, it would be a good gesture of gratitude.

She regretted it a bit when the door opened. Matt didn’t only sound strained, he looked pretty worn-out too. He left the door open without a word and went to the kitchen where he began fidgeting with a bottle of pills.

“They’re sleeping for now.” He said in a stressed-out tone. “I sent Karen to some friend of hers. I thought it better for now.”

Jess simply nodded. “Matt…” she awkwardly asked. “You look tired. Do you want to nap for a bit or…?”

“Nah, ‘m good.”

“You sure? Because…”

“Oh my god, Jess!” he almost yelled. “I told you I was fine!”

“I know you did, but I thought I…”

“ _You_ thought. _You, you, you._ ” Jess thought she had never seen him so angry. He was almost shaking with contended rage. “It’s not always about you, you know!”

As if he couldn’t stop, he carried on to a shocked Jess. Every single of his words hurt.

“No, I’m not alright! I’m not because _you_ decided to come when I specifically told you not to! I’m not because I haven’t closed an eye for 24 hours and I am _tired_! I’m not because fucking Emily decided to call _today_ to make every single reproach she had against me! I’m freaking NOT ALRIGHT BECAUSE YOU CAME TO BE REASSURED AND I CAN’T BECAUSE I’M ANGRY AND TIRED AND I JUST NEED TO BE FUCKING ALONE!” he breathed heavily and turned his head. “Jeez, I don’t have time for this.”

Jess didn’t move a muscle then answered quietly:

“Did you really think that about me? That I’m some… self-centred bitch with a princess syndrome? Did you not for a _second_ think I would _want_ to actually help? Did you think I only came here for… for me? Did you sincerely think I didn’t care about you? All of you?”

Well, he did, didn’t he? That was what’s _everyone_ thought. She had thought she could been genuine here, but obviously she was wrong. She was just a stupid girl and the sad thing was that everybody knew it.

“Sorry for disturbing you.” She heard herself saying, before almost running to the door.

She didn’t stop until she was in her bedroom, safe again, and she cried herself into oblivion on her sheets.

She felt… empty. Done. She was only a shell, a pretty doll who did everything she was told. Well. She stared at her ceiling. She could be the best doll on earth. That’d show them.

***

She didn’t go back to Matt’s this week. She didn’t even listen to his messages or read his texts. Everything was almost back to normal now. People, especially men, seemed to appreciate her empty smiles and her eager nods. She pleased them. The problem was, they didn’t love her for that. It was like before. The problem was, now she could tell the difference.

So she numbed herself. She was careful not to feel _too much_. She blended in, eventually. But she shut down every opportunity of close relationship – particularly boyfriends – she met. She wasn’t ready for that, not with anyone, not before a very long time.

She lost track of time. Every day was the same, without any surprise. It was so different with Matt and Matt’s family and the little surprises every evening like when Cynthia lost a tooth or when Brad brought an A back home… No. She shouldn’t think about it.

Consciously or not, she avoided Matt’s house and its neighbourhood like the plague. It was easier. Neater.

At least, it was, until Matt showed up in front of her apartment, looking determined.

“I’m sorry” he said and she almost slammed the door to his face. Really? That was all he could came up with? But the surge of emotion surprised her long enough for him to continue.

“I was an asshole. A tired asshole in my defence, but an asshole nonetheless. I said… hurtful things. False things. I hurt you, and… and me and my family and...”

“It wasn’t false.” Jess’s voice was eerie. “You were right. I’m too superficial to...”

“No.” Jess took a step back at his tone and he took advantage of that to walk in. “You’re… you’re clever. Not a 4.0 student maybe, but hey, Emily is and she’s not a better person because of it. You’re funny. You’re honest. You’re nice. You’re loving.”

He looked down at her with a serious look and she was terrified because she _knew_ what would come out of his mouth.

“No” she said. “I can’t, I… I’m sorry.”

“I know.” He simply answered. “I love you.”

And it wasn’t a question or a plea, it was a statement. Matt wasn’t asking anything from her. And for the first time, Jess figured what she wanted. She wanted Matt. Not in the traditional way, not as a boyfriend, but she wanted him and it was enough. He would wait.

Because he loved her.


	3. Chris

**Chris**

Sometimes, he laughed. He laughed so hard his ribs hurt. He laughed because life was too sad to choose an alternative. He laughed, laughed and laughed until tears came up to his eyes. He laughed because it was the least painful thing to do.

***

It wasn’t that he was mad at Ashley. Not really.

If he was being fair, he was mad at everyone these days. His friends – he might have avoided them, but they didn’t put much effort into it either, did they? -, his parents – always on his back, as if waiting for him to collapse or something -, his teachers – taking him aside at the end of classes and saying “you can talk to us, you know, Chris, right?” while avoiding his eyes ; hypocrites, who did they think they were kidding? -, people on the streets – so fucking slow and always in his way -, Ashley – for… well, for everything.

They had been “officially” together since they had come back. At the time, it had made sense.

_I thought I had lost you. Never do that again. I love you, I love you._

It hadn’t been a lie, not really. Chris still didn’t know when exactly things had started to go downhill.

When he had started to hear the selfishness in her voice – the same tone that _this_ night : _“Oh my god, Emily, just GO!”_ he had had no idea she could be so heartless before.

When he had wondered for the first time if she had ever really regretted pranking Hannah.

When he had seen the casual and underlying cruelty in their petty argument – she had had the nerve to mention Josh last time: _“I always knew Josh had a bad influence on you”_ Josh! Of all people.

He didn’t know when he had begun to feel disgusted with himself either. Disgusted with his weakness, his cowardice. It wasn’t new and he knew it.

***

He had been twelve, maybe thirteen when he had understood he would never be popular. It was just not happening. He was too nerdy, too studious; He loved theatre and comic books. Not exactly “hype” material. Too much brains, not enough brawls. When Josh and he became friends, he settled with being the “funny guy”. It was a clever move. When you were “funny”, people didn’t question your awkwardness, they didn’t comment how you didn’t fit in, and if they did, you could always laugh it off. _Don’t mind Chris, he’s always joking._

The more they grew up, the harder it became to grow a façade, though. Josh, especially, never used to let him go low easily. He was always pushing him, defying him, sometimes even publicly making fun of him ; but Chris knew that deep down, Josh had always been supportive for him. He just had a very peculiar way of looking out for Chris. He was pushing him because he didn’t want others to pressure him. He forced him to blend in because he didn’t want Chris to be a misfit. A loser. A failure. It was all the same in Josh’s eyes.

Chris had never said anything. He had laughed at the good jokes, backed up the others when he had to, but it had always been passive.

 _A Coward._ That was what he had been, wasn’t it? Still was, for that matter.

***

He gritted his teeth when Ashley took his arm possessively before practically shoving him in the car. She didn’t notice or, if she did, she ignored it.

He didn’t really know why he was so frustrated around her. Maybe because she didn't match his idea of her.

Before all of this mess, he had been so sure of his love for her. She was that little ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, a small mousy, bookish girl with a nice smile and kind eyes. She _listened_ to him. She was _different_.

He should have seen the truth of it during this night, at the lodge, when she had basically jumped at Emily’s throat when she thought she was putting them – her – in jeopardy. But he had closed his eyes. He had needed her so bad, he hadn’t wanted to dig too deep into it.

He tried to smile pleasantly as she babbled next to him while the taxi drove them to a restaurant. An expensive one. His idea. Just like the idea of moving in together.

It was weird. The more obvious it became that he didn’t love Ashley, the more considerate and loving he tried to appear. He was like those gamblers who realised they were losing, and put everything in the game with some kind of desperation rather than suck it up and try to fix the mess they'd caused.

Then, there was Josh. It was as if his shadow was always between Ashley and him, like a malevolent ghost. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had somehow chosen Ashley over his best friend. Honestly, what kind of crappy friend should he have been not to notice Josh’s slowly growing madness? Unless he had seen it and chosen to close his eyes, just like now. Or maybe he had been too busy fawning over Ashley to see it. Either way, he didn’t think he could forgive himself.

Ashley either wasn’t noticing any of his inner struggles or she was a better actor than he thought. That wouldn’t surprise him.

It was bitter irony, really. From the outside, Ashley and he were the luckiest ones of their group. The ones with the best chance of “recovering”. Of “getting over it”.

They weren’t. At least, Chris wasn’t. He started playing with the little box in his pocket absent-mindedly. Tonight, things were going to end. One way or another.

***

 _At least_ , Chris thought, _the food was worth its price._

It was truly delicious. Ashley seemed to agree with him about this. While eating, she had that little face she always made when she was absorbed in something. Chris used to find it cute. Now he thought it just looked weird.

_What am I doing here?_

The worst part was that he knew. He knew why he was here, with Ashley, doing what he did. Because that was what Josh would have wanted him to do. Or at least, what he would have expected. Not crazy Josh, but _his_ Josh. He could almost see him, shaking his head. _“Oh, Chris, you had to be a bore, didn’t you? Always the committed one.”_ His eyes would sparkle as Chris would answer _“Well, one of us has to be.”_

He never told Ashley he chose to save Josh that night. He never told her he would do it again, any time. Somehow, he thought she knew.

_Why are we doing this, Ashley? What kind of sick game are we playing? Are we waiting to see which one of us will crack first? There’s no winning this, you know._

Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe he was turning mad, just like Josh had. Maybe it was better that way.

The waiter had discreetly retreated in the kitchens, just like Chris told him to. They were almost done here. The restaurant was emptying.

As in a dream, he dropped to one knee. Feeling estranged from his body, miles away from it, he asked the question, showed the ring, waited for the answer.

And Ashley laughed. There was nothing joyful in her laugh, he didn’t think so. It was mostly disbelief. And something else. Something Chris wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.

He laughed with her. He laughed to tears. It was easier that way.

He was still laughing when she answered yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter, yeah! Chris is easily my favourite character and I feel bad about what he is going through. Yeah, well.  
> A big thank you to anyone who had left a kudo or a comment, it may not seem much but it really is.  
> And the biggest thanks to my beta, BnanaPowet, you're the best.  
> See you for the next one, we'll talk about someone who's maybe a tad too bitchy.


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